The End-Stonia.

Where am I? Where have I been? Where am I going? These questions keep smacking me in the face when I look up, open my eyes, and shake my head in total disbelief that I am where I am…and where I’ve been is in the past.

I was in Estonia 3 weeks ago. I was crying my not-so-tiny heart out on my friend’s shoulders in Latvia on August 23^rd. I was in Dallas with my mom, my family, and friends not even 2 weeks ago. And here I am, September 15^th, a week and half into living in New York, one week of work under my belt, and gearing up to leave for Washington D.C. for my first work-related trip tomorrow.

Where am I?

At a Starbucks in the Upper West Side.

But really: In some sort of whirlwind. That’s’ for sure. The thing is… I know who I am and what I’m doing more than ever…those two align seamlessly. And yet, the people surrounding me make it all feel like home. So when I look up at the tiny Spanish bodegas on my street corner in Brooklyn, or hear Russian whiz past me as I stroll through Central Park…it just all feels right. Like it was meant to be. Or rather, I made it be.

And I’ve gathered that I am where I am – not because of where I’ve been, but what I’ve done with where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, what I’ve felt.

I refuse to speak of Estonia in the past-tense, I’m not quite ready to let Estonia go back there. I’m holding onto it, trying to keep the memories active and buzzing – the people within arms-length. Or Skype-reach. I can’t, yet, dig deep into the year and all that it has meant to me – I want to sum it up and say “it’s meant everything”, but it filled certain holes, specific places that needed filling. Places that have made me more me. I am more me.

I feel good.

My heart literally tightens at the thought of the beautiful, giving, and fantastically special people in the Baltics. Thinking of them can turn a 45-minute subway ride into 5-minutes. And yes, hearing Russian in public spaces could not give me more joy than a CLIF bar and a vanilla latte. That’s big joy.

Getting messages from my kids saying, “We miss you”, “We love you”, “Our meeting was not the same without you” – Yeah, that kills me. These kids who are across the ocean, touching Russia, a ferry-ride from Finland, these kids think of me? They have to know how much I think of them – holding back my love for them was never an issue.

And these thoughts, these images hit me differently. Most times I’m sad knowing they’re so far away…other times, I’m just so happy and grateful we keep in touch with one another. And that I was able to experience the magical year I wanted so badly – so badly. And I got it. I made it mine, and here I am.

At a Starbucks in the Upper West Side.

One week of work under my belt. Not just any ordinary week of work; meaningful work. Work that intertwines with what I believe in right now, and what I wish to see in the world – with people who care, with people who are on the exact same page as me. That makes me feel good.

I’m on some sort of cloud. Not sure if it’s cloud-nine; but it’s a cloud a little higher than the Brooklyn bridge – I can see Estonia, I can see Brooklyn, I can see Manhattan. Dallas, you’re there too. My co-worker shared a “Jewish saying”, that sometimes your head can be where you are, but your soul might be slowly trailing behind, taking its’ time to catch up with your body. I believe that. It’s happening. Currently. Like, right now.

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My soul is taking its’ time, and I’m not going to push it to go any faster.

Oh, but I have so many good stories of my first week in Brooklyn and Manhattan! I think, what I’ll do, is create another blog by the name of…

www.brookjenyc.wordpress.com

Where I start a fresh chapter/page/blog roll, accounting my stories of living in a place that is unlike any other place I’ve lived in – I’m talking way more culture shock than Kansas AND Estonia combined. This should be good. This should be interesting.

 Thank you SO much for following me on JENSTONIA the past year! Your readership, commentary, and presence has meant so much to me – and it will continue to as I navigate my next journey in Brooklyn and Manhattan.

Love to all,

Jenstonia – forever Jenstonia

Am I really leaving in a week?

Bahh! I’m back in Tallinn. All eyes are on you, friends. Well actually your eyes should be on me.

So much has happened since I left for summer camp in Lithuania almost 2 months ago – all good things too.

First of all, camp was magical: Being able to play sports every day with 200 kids who speak 3 languages was probably one of the coolest things I’ve done all year.

You want to know something though? When I appointed myself as Sports Director, the staff said it might be “weird” for the kids because I’m a girl. I smirked and simply stated, “just wait.”

They didn’t have to wait. In less than a few hours on the first day of camp, I had kids coming to the courts after breakfast, before lunch, after lunch, during ‘rest time’, and even begging me to come to the lake and bring a ball or two with me. I’m not questioning whether they wanted me or the balls – you shouldn’t either.

“Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”, they would scream… “futbol?”

“Davai!” or “Let’s go!”, I would say – probably more excited than them.

“Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”, they would scream, “I love you!”

“I love you too!”, I would say – without an ounce of hesitation.

“Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”, they would scream, “say “One Direction!””

“One Direction!” I would scream – they loved my American accent.

I perfected the words “adin bolshoe kruk” or “one big circle” and “dati myatch” or “give me the ball” in no time; some of the kids reminded me of my very own campers I had a while back, and some reminded me of my closest friends I had growing up.

At the end of the session during the closing ceremony, the camp director called out my name – I sprinted to the stage, but froze for a few seconds when I heard, “Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen!” 200 kids chanting my name. I took a mental video, completely overwhelmed by the love from these special kiddos.

It’s hard sometimes to see the impact you make, and this was my gift – probably the best gift I could ask for. And now after 2 sessions of camp, I have 400 new Facebook friends and continued positive, fluffy feelings about my year as a JSC Fellow in the Baltics.

Camp reminded me why I went for 15 years in the first place – it’s the ultimate therapy, the best getaway there is. You become completely consumed with being in the moment – not worrying about a single thing back home or 15 miles up the road, your role is to entertain kids (coolest job ever), sing really loudly, dance your feet off, and write cool blog posts like this one:

http://jdcentwine.org/blog/946

Beyond that, the kids were so inspiring: Their youth, their energy, their unjaded perception of the world and their inherent trust in people, their lack of inhibition. When they want something, they go for it. We should all be so brave throughout our entire lifetime.

This is me VERY happy to share Estonia with my new American friends.

Immediately following camp, I staffed a week-long trip through the Baltics with 21 teens from 7 countries. 10 of which came from America, 2 from Bulgaria, 2 from Poland, 2 from Estonia, 3 from Latvia, and 2 from Lithuania. You could say my job there was to keep ALL of the kids connected – continually drawing the kids from Europe to the kids from America together, pushing each one to have a real conversation with someone different. Burning bridges, debunking stereotypes. What did I learn? Oh, good question: I learned that Americans are really loud. And Europeans are… just really cool. Sometimes too cool.

We saw reviving Jewish life in each capital city, meeting with dedicated teen leaders and community lay leaders; we saw memorials near mass graves where 70,000 Jews fell victim; we talked about Jewish identity, community responsibility and philanthropic ideologies. We tried to wrap our heads around the atrocities that happened in these areas during the holocaust, we cried, we lit candles, we sang prayers and read people’s stories. We hugged, we laughed, we talked about life and our favorite things. This was the BEST final tour through a region of the world I have called ‘home’ for the past year. To spend a week with Americans and Europeans in the Baltics was that “collision of 2 worlds”, and could not have come at a better time – exactly one week until I depart for the land of red, white, and blue.

I am also ecstatic to share that I’ll be continuing my journey with JDC Entwine in New York. I found out while I was on the trip, and this was my face upon receiving the email:

This face also needs to find an apartment in NYC – so if you have any information! I’m all ears – like really all ears, I’ll stop talking now.

Not.

1 week left in this INCREDIBLE year-long LIFE changing experience. I have made some of the best friends I could ever ask for in 3 countries, and I cannot wait to take that home with me – the friendships, the conversations, the laughs, and a few (cough) goodbye tears. I’ll be an emotional mess this week, but don’t let that fool you: I am so excited for my new job, in a new city, starting a new chapter that was 100% influenced by the beautiful chapter I’ve written here.

WARNING: This won’t be the final post, so don’t cry. Be on the lookout for the final words of Jenstonia once I land in New York and begin a new blog. Yes, that’s right, new blog! *blog name suggestions wanted*!

NewYorkStonia maybe? Think about it…think about it.

To the Baltics,

Jenstonia – Am I really leaving in a week?

Seasonal Stimulation in Estonia

As I look beyond my living room window to the once totally barren trees, I see a different space than what I’ve grown used to; I see a forest of green and a bright blue sky that stays lit for all but four hours. A new season, a new chapter from the universe to differentiate spring from winter, spring from fall.

It is stunning here. I am constantly taken back to September, when I first arrived in Estonia, when the trees were flavored with a plethora of reds, yellows, and oranges; when it was all new and I was creating the first steps in the first chapter of my Estonia. I rewind a little further, all the time, of the days back in Dallas when I spent hours upon hours on Google maps (street view) – literally walking through the streets of Tallinn with my index finger on touch-screen glass  for days on end.

I had a massive map of Northern Europe sprawled out on my mother’s dining room table for months – she was thrilled! I studied the map, picturing my frizzy-haired self at a miniscule coordinate, wracking my brain to comprehend I was only kilometers away from mammoth Russia and genital-shaped Finland.

I now do the same in the real life – imagine myself as a tiny blue dot on a map, surrounded in people, places, cities, countries I never thought I would be so lucky to be so close to; the vision of my frizzy-haired self as a tiny speck on a map keeps me humbled, keeps me permanently pinched to remember where I am and how special it is that I’m here.

<– my frizzy and friends in Latvia

And that’s how I feel almost daily. The longer days and greener trees help, for sure. The last few weeks of winter I might not have felt so humbled to be in the presence of 6-month old ice and grey skies, but hey  – new season, new chapter right?

In the past month I’ve traveled to Budapest, Vienna, Prague, and Berlin. I spent a week total traveling from East to West, fascinated with everything these unique cities had to offer. I saw some incredible sights, met some interesting new people, reunited with old friends, and experienced what I could without a plan or expectation in sight. Due to the nature and focus of my year, I chose to focus on Jewish life in these cities; history, movements, growth, revival and renewal.

It was hard, really hard, to go to cities where Jewish life was vibrant before the war, walk through countless cemeteries, unused Synagogues, museums, and preserved artifacts. Berlin became my opportunity to catch a breath of Jewish renewal, ironically in a city that has some of the best displays of experiential and interpretive memorials I’ve ever witnessed.

The JSC Fellow in Berlin was my key to understanding current Jewish life; after pointing out Hitler’s underground barracks, which is adjacent to one of the Holocaust memorials, she took me to the Jewish Quarter. We roamed through streets displaying commemorative lines where the Berlin wall stood, into an area buzzing with life. Hebrew permeated the air, schwarma and falafel restaurants stood in plain sight – I felt like I was in a city that left zero remnants of its’ infamous division. This is exactly what I subconsciously hoped to see and feel in an area that was as close to the West as it was to the East. At least on the surface.

I felt proud to fly home, eastward to Estonia, to a space that has also jumped leaps and bounds from its’ previous Soviet domination. I was also surprised to finally walk on a ground completely free of ice and negative temperatures. Ayyyy-men.

The past few weeks have been a total thrill; work has been most productive and gratifying, the long days demand a boost in social life, and as each day quickly passes I find myself falling deeper in love with Tallinn. It’s a problem.  I’m addicted.

I’ve befriended my neighbor who is a pianist, Jazz lover, and king of cultural activities in Estonia. He’s shown me more Tallinn the past 3 weeks than I’ve seen the past 8 months. I’ve seen live Jazz, been to an abundance of underground bars, seen the best of Estonian design in ex Soviet factories, jumped on rooftops I never knew existed, and was this (___) close to hopping on a midnight train to Russia.  And somehow, unexpectedly, the first few pages of my spring chapter have been off to an exciting start!

But that’s not all: On late Thursday night, another American volunteer landed in Tallinn. He will be here for the next 40 days – working on projects with me, seeing the Baltics I’ve grown to love, and creating his own personal journey in this beautiful region of the world. I know for sure my life here will spice up exponentially having another volunteer by my side – and I’m so pumped to see how my days continue to twist and turn in this new season, new chapter.

On Friday, the teen leaders and I had our last Teen’s Program; the program was about Shavuot – so we decided to take a modern interpretation of the 10 commandments and create commandment-oriented scenes throughout the city. The teens got a map of Tallinn with X’s on them and had to perform challenges like “Chubby bunny (stuff your face) with marshmallows by the harbor” (from the commandment: Do not covet); or “Sneak a shopping cart out of the supermarket” (from the commandment: Do not steal); the program was a hit and we had more attendees than we’ve had the majority of the year – we got some great photos of the program, so enjoy them below!

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Wishing you all a happy start to the summer season!

Over and out,

Jenstonia – addicted to Estonia

Links to my travels:

Berlin, Germany: https://plus.google.com/photos/108399238466982579218/albums/5871669855200234561?authkey=CIKqm47r6YKDowE

Prague, CZ: https://plus.google.com/photos/108399238466982579218/albums/5871655133395175377?authkey=CKv2qKb138umTw

Vienna, Austria: https://plus.google.com/photos/108399238466982579218/albums/5871649900204317425?authkey=CMaa9IP2wrKEJg

Budapest, Hungary: https://plus.google.com/photos/108399238466982579218/albums/5871645307644315921?authkey=CMCPpYeH1dvNFg