Am I really leaving in a week?

Bahh! I’m back in Tallinn. All eyes are on you, friends. Well actually your eyes should be on me.

So much has happened since I left for summer camp in Lithuania almost 2 months ago – all good things too.

First of all, camp was magical: Being able to play sports every day with 200 kids who speak 3 languages was probably one of the coolest things I’ve done all year.

You want to know something though? When I appointed myself as Sports Director, the staff said it might be “weird” for the kids because I’m a girl. I smirked and simply stated, “just wait.”

They didn’t have to wait. In less than a few hours on the first day of camp, I had kids coming to the courts after breakfast, before lunch, after lunch, during ‘rest time’, and even begging me to come to the lake and bring a ball or two with me. I’m not questioning whether they wanted me or the balls – you shouldn’t either.

“Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”, they would scream… “futbol?”

“Davai!” or “Let’s go!”, I would say – probably more excited than them.

“Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”, they would scream, “I love you!”

“I love you too!”, I would say – without an ounce of hesitation.

“Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”, they would scream, “say “One Direction!””

“One Direction!” I would scream – they loved my American accent.

I perfected the words “adin bolshoe kruk” or “one big circle” and “dati myatch” or “give me the ball” in no time; some of the kids reminded me of my very own campers I had a while back, and some reminded me of my closest friends I had growing up.

At the end of the session during the closing ceremony, the camp director called out my name – I sprinted to the stage, but froze for a few seconds when I heard, “Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen!” 200 kids chanting my name. I took a mental video, completely overwhelmed by the love from these special kiddos.

It’s hard sometimes to see the impact you make, and this was my gift – probably the best gift I could ask for. And now after 2 sessions of camp, I have 400 new Facebook friends and continued positive, fluffy feelings about my year as a JSC Fellow in the Baltics.

Camp reminded me why I went for 15 years in the first place – it’s the ultimate therapy, the best getaway there is. You become completely consumed with being in the moment – not worrying about a single thing back home or 15 miles up the road, your role is to entertain kids (coolest job ever), sing really loudly, dance your feet off, and write cool blog posts like this one:

http://jdcentwine.org/blog/946

Beyond that, the kids were so inspiring: Their youth, their energy, their unjaded perception of the world and their inherent trust in people, their lack of inhibition. When they want something, they go for it. We should all be so brave throughout our entire lifetime.

This is me VERY happy to share Estonia with my new American friends.

Immediately following camp, I staffed a week-long trip through the Baltics with 21 teens from 7 countries. 10 of which came from America, 2 from Bulgaria, 2 from Poland, 2 from Estonia, 3 from Latvia, and 2 from Lithuania. You could say my job there was to keep ALL of the kids connected – continually drawing the kids from Europe to the kids from America together, pushing each one to have a real conversation with someone different. Burning bridges, debunking stereotypes. What did I learn? Oh, good question: I learned that Americans are really loud. And Europeans are… just really cool. Sometimes too cool.

We saw reviving Jewish life in each capital city, meeting with dedicated teen leaders and community lay leaders; we saw memorials near mass graves where 70,000 Jews fell victim; we talked about Jewish identity, community responsibility and philanthropic ideologies. We tried to wrap our heads around the atrocities that happened in these areas during the holocaust, we cried, we lit candles, we sang prayers and read people’s stories. We hugged, we laughed, we talked about life and our favorite things. This was the BEST final tour through a region of the world I have called ‘home’ for the past year. To spend a week with Americans and Europeans in the Baltics was that “collision of 2 worlds”, and could not have come at a better time – exactly one week until I depart for the land of red, white, and blue.

I am also ecstatic to share that I’ll be continuing my journey with JDC Entwine in New York. I found out while I was on the trip, and this was my face upon receiving the email:

This face also needs to find an apartment in NYC – so if you have any information! I’m all ears – like really all ears, I’ll stop talking now.

Not.

1 week left in this INCREDIBLE year-long LIFE changing experience. I have made some of the best friends I could ever ask for in 3 countries, and I cannot wait to take that home with me – the friendships, the conversations, the laughs, and a few (cough) goodbye tears. I’ll be an emotional mess this week, but don’t let that fool you: I am so excited for my new job, in a new city, starting a new chapter that was 100% influenced by the beautiful chapter I’ve written here.

WARNING: This won’t be the final post, so don’t cry. Be on the lookout for the final words of Jenstonia once I land in New York and begin a new blog. Yes, that’s right, new blog! *blog name suggestions wanted*!

NewYorkStonia maybe? Think about it…think about it.

To the Baltics,

Jenstonia – Am I really leaving in a week?

Hashtag #Pesach

Before I get into it, I’d like to take a second to recognize just how cool Estonia is

Listen to this Estonian band:

 

Tallinn Music Week: 4 – 6 April / 233 artists from 20 countries / http://www.tallinnmusicweek.ee <– Check out that lineup!

E-estonia: How did a small, post-Soviet nation transform itself into a global leader in e-solutions? Learn more here: http://e-estonia.com/

And well, there’s me of course:

It’s above freezing today, so naturally I’m sitting on a rooftop in Old Town..

 

 

Now do me a favor if you have Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook: I’ll use Instagram for this ‘exercise’  – I want you to search the hashtag “Pesach” or “Passover” or “Chag Sameach”

Take a minute or two to check out the photographs posted under the aforementioned #hashtags. These are Seder tables from all over the world. I’ll repeat, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

Here I go: Freely celebrating this holiday that commemorates an enslaved time nearly 3,300 years ago. Not only freely celebrating, but showing the entire world through photos, hashtags, and Facebook posts that Jewish people around the world are not ashamed. No, no, not ashamed.

Times like these reaffirm my total adoration for the power of Social Media (especially when it combines my favorite holiday).

20 years ago on the “Eastern Bloc”, where Soviet Expansion suppressed all forms of religion, matzah would not be a 12 year-olds Facebook cover photo. 10 years ago, no chance in hell would a group of teenagers feel comfortable with opening the door for Elijah in the middle of the city center – in a building built under Stalin, on a street that used to be called “Hitler highway”. But that happened last night. Celebrating freedom from suppression, from humiliation, from utter disdain and hatred – the meaning of Passover had never felt more real to me than it did this year (5773).

Growing up, my friends here didn’t celebrate Pesach at home –a reality that was reiterated to me at the Seder table on Tuesday night. “I was a Soviet kid” I was told, something I tend to forget as we live “normal”, day-to-day lives in Estonia.

I look back and see myself in public school (in Texas, mind you), proudly wearing my Star of David and bringing matzah to lunch. I was one of the three Jewish kids in elementary school, and by day 2 of Pesach I had my non-Jewish friends begging me for matzah. That was in 1996.

The teens that I work with in Estonia were born in the year 1996. The Soviet Union retreated in 1991. The Estonian Jewish Center was centralized and rebuilt in 1992. The only synagogue in Tallinn was built in 2007.

I have no idea how Pesach was celebrated between 1992 and 2012, but in 2013 (5773) I attended 3 Seder’s in Estonia – that’s 3 more than I expected to attend. The first night I went to the only synagogue located in Tallinn’s City Center; that evening, the synagogue hosted two Seders – one for Russian speakers and one for English speakers. I went to the Russian one.

I figured if I wanted comfort in an English Seder, I could go home to Texas – and I certainly wasn’t doing that. I sat near my friends and the other 20-something year olds as well as the President of the Synagogue and his wife. In no time, the President, his wife, and I spoke the language of wine and ensured our glasses were full before the Haggada told us to fill. I spoke my broken Russian, they spoke their broken English, and we sang the songs in Hebrew we both knew. I couldn’t help but smile the entire Seder knowing all too well that this is the experience I wanted. I wanted this. This is partly what I signed up for, and this is what I’m getting.

Russian Hagada with my name written in Russian letters

I’m in a county where taking pride in Judaism was unheard of not so long ago; and here I was, sitting at the Seder table celebrating my most loved Jewish holiday in the only synagogue in Tallinn. 60 other people around the room unafraid to be in the city center bitter-herbing their matzah and dipping their potatoes in salt water. Not only that, but I was speaking their language and connecting – something I don’t think I could have done 6 months ago. “Krasivaya devushka” the President’s wife would say to me as we “L’chaimed” to another glass – she was calling me beautiful. She whispered to my friends in Russian, “She looks like such a Jewish girl!” I giggled while my friends pointed at my overly-blushed face and said, “eta ocheen pravda!” or “that’s very true!” and proud of it.

I was so grateful for her warmth at my first Seder in Estonia. She gave me a comfort I didn’t think I missed while celebrating a holiday that’s usually so family-oriented for me.

The next night I went to a friend and colleague’s house for round two of Seder’ing. All in our mid-20’s and early 30’s, some pregnant, some recently married, some soon-to-be married, and some happily single (that’s me!). The Seder totally improvised; YouTube clips from ‘The Prince of Egypt’ and Louis Armstrong’s “Let my people go” displayed from the 3D flat screen TV. Angry Birds played between meals. The best part: As we went through the Haggadah, we played popcorn around the table and read aloud text in Estonian, Russian, Hebrew, English, Latvian, and Bulgarian.

All 12 of us spent 20-minutes searching for the Afikomen even after our search area options were narrowed to 2 rooms. A humbling experience. And as the night progressed, iPhones and Galaxy 3’s came out and photos projected of possible bachelors for the happily single; “No, no, next, next, not happening, meh, not bad, hook me up!” I think I was still wearing my 3D glasses throughout the selection process.

Oh, and then the strangest thing occurred! While engaging in a community Facebook’ing session, someone at the Seder table said, “I know some girl from Dallas”. I jokingly replied, “Yeah, I probably know her and the other 7 million people that live in that city!” But yeah, it happened, you guessed it. The dude pulled up a picture of someone I know very well. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? “We met in Spain at some bar”, he said. I questioned, “Did you tell her you were Estonian because I’m about to use Facebook like never before”. At 2:00am on the second night of Pesach in Estonia, I was talking to my friend in Dallas confirming she knew my friend in Estonia. “And I think to myself, what a wonderful world…”

This is why I love Pesach. The improvisation leads to more improvisation. I might add, whoever developed the Seder service, the visuals, and the grub really gave us stuff to work with. The Seder table holds so many multifunctional props that make going beyond the Haggadah and improvising so unbelievably appealing. This is what I’m all about though: Having positive experiences. It might be super reform, left, or not traditional of me, but it keeps me wanting more.

On Saturday night, I held a Seder at my apartment for teen leaders to celebrate a job well-done their first time being counselors at Estonia’s Spring Camp “L’haim 2013”. Remember when I mentioned them jumping up to greet Elijah at the door? It did happen, and here are some photos from the night!

Before Pesach, I was in Pedase, Estonia (about 60km from Tallinn) for Spring Camp. More like winter camp really, as the snow was very, very present. Like too present. One week full of dancing, singing, cool programs, no sleep, and carb-fueled camp style meals. Except unlike camp in Missouri, USA, they had tea for breakfast. Which was funny and cute to me, and once again proved I was not in Missouri or the United States of America.

Someone once asked me where I am truly myself. My answer to them was “camp”. The image of running around with blue paint all over my face, wearing two different pairs of shoes, and screaming a camp cheer with 50 kids around me is where I am so myself it hurts. So when I was able to do this once again at Estonia’s Spring Camp, you can imagine how ME I felt.

Co-counselors and staff would ask, “Jen, what do you think of camp in Estonia?” My response, “I love camp!” You might have tea for breakfast, sing the Birkat (blessing after the meal) a little differently, but to see kids jumping around to songs in Hebrew, coming up with their own cheers, getting dressed for Shabbat and feeling more connected than ever…camp is camp and camp is GOOD!

I’ve had a magical past 2 weeks here in Estonia, and am looking forward to much more. Please, just tickle my fancy one more time and check out those hashtags, Instagram photos, and Facebook posts. If you’re not into Jewish holidays or find it hard to wrap you head around how 3,300 years ago connects with modern times, don’t wrap your head around it. Know that it is a remarkably beautiful thing that anyone with a smart phone, a Facebook or Twitter account, feels empowered and SAFE enough to share their traditions with the rest of the world. Oh, and the best part is that people “like” it.

To #connecting,

Jenstonia – #Diyeinu

The Power of Returning

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered” – Nelson Mandela, my South African homeboy.

I think of this phrase each time I return – to anywhere really. This time I was returning to Israel for the first time, meaning it was my second visit to the Land of Milk and Honey.

Last week, I went to Israel for the JDC JSC [Jewish Service Corps] Midyear seminar; all 25 fellows traveled from their placements (Buenos Aires, Haiti, Rwanda, etc.) and met in Jerusalem for 4-days of reflection, learning, and re-motivating for the last half of our placements – and all those things happened.

Before I go any further, you must know it’s absolutely abhorrent to believe it’s been 6 (or “midyear”) months since I’ve been in Estonia. Yeah, abhorrent, I said that. My next choice would have been heinous. I don’t even know what 6 months is supposed to feel like when jumping in and adapting to an entirely new country, new city, new working environment, new languages, new friends, etc. I will say, however, feeling-wise it seems as though I’ve been here for 6 years, work-wise, I’ve only just begun. Oh, 6 months, why don’t you come attached with a specific feeling?

Estonia still looks like this though —> 

Back to Israel: My first visit was with Birthright in 2010. I’m just gonna throw it out there: I had such high expectations (I now laugh at how high they were). Expectations to connect with the people, the land, my Judaism, and every last fiber of my being. Unrealistic much? Maybe this was the effect of 20+ years of “Israel Days” at camp, “Israel Weeks” at university, meeting sexy IDF soldiers, or repping the Israeli flag because that’s what everyone else did. I left Israel disconnected and disappointed, wondering why, if this country was the birthplace of Judaism and my people, did I not feel a part of it?

My return last week was my opportunity to feel something; expectations lowered, no over-thinking, no over-hoping or wishing that I get hit with a spark of spirit that subconsciously has me reciting Torah in perfect Hebrew as I walk through the Old City. I mean, who has that kind of vision anyway? (Answer: 20 year-old Jen)

Thurs, 28 Feb: I flew into Israel a few days before the seminar so I could run the Jerusalem Marathon (or 10k) with my friend and fellow JSC-er who lives in Jerusalem. I cab to meet my friend at the JDC-Israel office and we walk up the JLM hills to pick up our race packets at the Convention Center. (Pause)

Thought #1: I fly in by myself and meet my friend and fellow JSC fellow outside of the JDC-Israel Office.

Thought #2: In 2010, I had no idea what JDC was, and had it not been for JDC, I would have never met friend, which means I would have never run the Jerusalem Marathon or met friend outside of the JDC-Israel office. Man oh man, so much has changed since 2010.

Thought #3 and summation: I like the direction my life is going!

(Unpause)

We get our race packets in a sea of neon-colored booths: Saucony, Nike, Gatorade power gel, water bottles, nordic walking poles, t-shirts, t-shirts, and more t-shirts. Oh yeah, and the booths were in Hebrew.

Thought #1: Omg, I love tennis shoes.

Thought #2: Israel, you’re looking mighty good this trip.

We head back to a home-cooked and carb-filled dinner to prepare for the race in the morning.

The next scene you can find me fighting back tears as I run through the Old City with thousands of other runners, donkeys and goats on the mountain to my left, the sun beaming down us north-polers in desperate need of a tan, locals holding signs saying,“keep smiling, you’re almost done!”, and friend by my side up and down every bloody hill.

We finish the race together and gorge on hummus, pita, and pickles with other JSC-ers who ran and JSC-ers who came to cheer us on.

Hmmmm, I sigh, with my forming shin splints and broken hips, “I’m in Israel”.

I said this over and over again the rest of the week. I’m in Israel. And this time, I felt it.

That evening brought Shabbat dinner with other JSC-ers, bottles of wine open, and loud, tri-lingual conversations of our lives all over the world. “Yes, we’re the only white people in the village in Rwanda” or “Yes, I’ve never seen a non-white person in Estonia”. These exchanges were beautiful. 4 others speak Russian in the room, and I understand it … that would have never happened in 2010.

Sunday, 3 March: At last the seminar begins. The last time we were in the same room together was in August for orientation, and here we are, midyear, in Jerusalem. The symbolism off the charts.

We all sit in a large circle and smirk at one another, happy to be in the same room and in company of those who may be experiencing similar things and have a general shared sense of understanding the world in which we live.

4 days of introspection, reflection, reevaluating expectations, and setting new goals for ourselves. Each of us experiencing such vastly different things, but still able to connect and support one another. I often introspect introspection, and I can tell you the conversations that were taking place those 4 days in Jerusalem were nothing shy of brilliant. For some reason I choose to not analyze, the level of openness and comfort in vulnerability were things I had never seen in a group dynamic. Let’s be real, the process of moving to a new country and getting comfortable with new working environments definitely has some challenges.

I am a firm believer that being okay with feeling vulnerable leads to growth in directions we may not reach if we remain guarded and protected. Pride and control seem to be constants in that wall we love building. The vulnerability I witnessed in those 4 days led to empathy (not sympathy) and you could actually see that feeling of ‘alone’, in which many felt, slowly drifted away. The absence of alone brought new ideas and a support network to cheer-on those ideas. Just like that. 4 days.

Sidenote: If you’re interested in learning more about the power of vulnerability, I really recommend this TedTalk:

 

The fact that I was experiencing and witnessing these things in Jerusalem could not have been more meaningful to me. Powerful sessions in conference rooms during the day led to powerful conversations at dinner and bars at night. No matter how deeply we yearned to pound shots and get hammered together, we were too into learning about each other’s lives around the world to let any amount of alcohol drunken the conversations.

The end of my trip got me thinking about my connection to Israel. Everything I’ve learned or seen in the past have just been symbols of the state; the Hebrew language, IDF shirts, Israel flags, falafel, hummus, etc. For me, it takes positive, low-key experiences like running through Jerusalem, understanding how the city is spaced out, knowing where the local supermarket is, and drinking beers with friends who live here to feel connected. The second question is, why does it have to be more than that? Having these experiences fuels me with a desire to return and see my friends again, run the marathon in less time (get 4,000^th place instead of 6,000^th), or befriend those donkeys and goats I saw on the mountain. Getting a taste of real life in Israel and walking the streets with friends will get me back. Undoubtedly.

I haven’t said this to them yet, but I am so grateful to my friends and fellow JSC-ers for showing me the Jerusalem they know and love. Little did they know, but they were strengthening the connection to Israel that I’ve yearned for since I was little. There’s no question I will come back to further explore — I am finally connected. I wonder how Mandela’s quote will come into play the second time I return?

And then I went to Athens and Istanbul to get my tourist on! 1 day in each city meant walking 12 hours a day and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Some photo’s below!

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Tomorrow I am off to “L’chaim”, or Estonia’s annual “Spring Camp”! I haven’t been to camp in 4 years, so yawl know how excited this girl is! J

To returning,

Jenstonia – campcounselorforever

New: Year, Residence, and Gym Memberships

Here I sit in a cozy bistro named “Bonaparte”, which can only shed some light on how unRussian-esque (this is a word) Estonia is. I know I fell asleep in every AP European History class in high school, but I’m pretty sure Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Russia in the 19^th century. In any case, no, I’m still not in Russia. I’m totally in Estonia; in fact, I would prefer if you called me Miss Jenstonia, RE (Resident of Estonia). Yep, you read that correctly, I am officially of resident status – but I’ll get to that a bit later.

HAPPY 2013, EVERYONE! I hope you all were able to celebrate the New Year in a wholesome manner- Lord knows I didn’t. Just kidding. Kind of. No but really, wishing you all a happy, healthy and most inspiring 2013! Stick to your resolutions, but when they start making you unhappy, stick-less, then stick again. Rinse. Repeat.

NYEstonia:

My New Year’s celebration began at 9:00pm on the 31^st and ended 10:30pm on the 1^st. The following things occurred: starters eaten at 10pm, Putin spoke at Midnight, sprinklers lit, fireworks shot in adjacent field – legally, walked in 2 feet of ice water to get to the Old Town, screamed Happy New Year in British accent with champagne bottle in hand for an hour, and made it back by 2am for the main course: salmon and thinly sliced roast potatoes. Mmm mmm. Johnnie Walker and I became the best of friends by 7am, and then I traded him for a little napski (Russian nap) on the couch until noon tea time. I stayed at my friends the whole day and we ate leftovers while movie marathoning our hearts out. I only left the couch once.

These may seem like such trivial details, but there’s something that struck me after the New Years haze faded: PEOPLE.

I get nauseas thinking about the glamorous, over-privileged New Year’s parties that exist throughout the world. The ones that cost a fortune and are too posh to really enjoy. When attire and handbag selection are top priorities. I know I’m being tough and judgmental, but not once did we discuss attire or logistics beforehand. Just be there at 9:00pm and expect to have a good time with good people. Wait, hold up, you didn’t know I had absolutely zero interest in talking about my New Years outfit a month in advance? Too cruel?

But really I had the best time. I never heard a whiny complaint or anything remotely negative. Though my socks were soaking wet from swimming into Old Town, nothing else mattered but being fully present with all those around us. We just giggled in unison as sparklers were lit and champagne glasses clinked. Estonia crew + some Latvians, you are truly a breath of fresh air for a Dallas Jewish girl who’s never cared about anything material except for descent running shoes and cappuccino. Thank you.

Community

Speaking of people, at 11:30pm on January 1^st, I had two American teenagers swing by and stay with me in Tallinn. They were representing BBYO, an international teen-led Jewish movement I was super involved with in high school. In 2 days I showed them my city, the Tallinn I fell in love with from day 1. They were shocked, just like I was, at how truly special the Jewish community is here. When describing the Estonian community, the local Rabbi said, “Because it [the community] is so small, people talk to each other, not about each other”.

 

This resonated hugely in my head. It was so true. As you know, I come from a major U.S. city and most of the information (good or bad) you hear about people is from other people.  Dallas is quite spread out on a geographic level, and you can see that this affects (positively and negatively) the community dynamics. I’m not saying that this is good or bad, I can only tell you how it felt to a middle-class Jewish girl from the ‘burbs. My culture was soccer, sports, art, curly hair club, Hebrew school, Sunday school, BBYO, Camp Sabra, etc. Nothing too Dallas-specific, hence why I don’t think I ever found love or deep appreciation for the city (or state of Texas rather). Except for Tex Mex.

I came from a city with at least 8 synagogues, which rightly so functioned like businesses and competed against one another. Reform vs. Conservative, Orthodox vs. Ultra Orthodox. I never saw integration, I never fully understood community. But I yearned for it. Ask my mother how many soccer, basketball, volleyball, track, art, local Synagogue, and BBYO meetings she took me to until I was 16. My teams were my subcommunities of the greater Dallas community. Finding community in 45,000 Jews in the greater Dallas area was, and still is, a struggle.

After 4 years in Lawrence, Kansas (population 200,000; Jewish students: 2,000), and 4 months in Estonia (population 1,000,000; Jewish: 2,000), I know Community and I know Culture – with capital C’s. Granted this strictly entails the Jewish Community, but now l know what it means to not only to be a part of, but to love and appreciate one. I am someone who needs to understand a concept in its’ most simple form in order to genuinely love (or dislike) something; I cannot be bothered by “things”, by rubbish, by unnecessary words or falsities. KU Hillel and the Estonian Jewish Community gave me this.

After this brief moment of reflection with the local Rabbi, the 2 American teens and I continued touring Tallinn. We surfed the cobble stones from Lower Old Town to Upper, learning Hanseatic history and fantastical myths of Medieval Tallinn from a local Community member. After a few hours one of the teens pointed out to me how often I physically point out to something that is my so-called “favorite”. Oh, what can I say, I love it all – except for the outrageous Euro/Scandinavian price inflation and black-iced roads… and DBI [death by icicle] copywrite JB.

Residence

It was during their visit when I found out Estonia accepted me as a resident. The next morning I rushed over to the Immigration Department to swoop up my ID card. Completely awestruck at the fact I had a personal identification number, and even more awestruck at my strategically posed Soviet “smile”.  Uhhhh Darwin, is this supposed to happen? Natural ex-Soviet adaptation?

Gym Memberships

I decided I would celebrate my residence with a gym membership; after my first gym session, I found that this was a real sign of settlement. The fact that I have a gym in Estonia. I wonder what symbolized settlement to early homo sapiens? Perhaps breeding or tool creation?

At any rate, I am no longer a tourist, a visitor, or someone just passing through. I am really a part of the Jewish community, I am really a resident, I am really someone who has a gym membership (non-binding contract, thank you). I have a freaking gym membership. I AM SO IN!

What’s next? A library card?

2013 y’all!

Jenstonia – Proud RE [Resident of Estonia] and Gym Member. 

View from Gym

On Laughter, Fear, and Hope

I fell asleep with my head buried underneath the hotel covers; before I drifted away, I put music into my ears and wiggled the same wiggle I always wiggle. When my limbs settled and my breathing slowed, I confidently closed my eyes.

 

I opened them back up. Calm. I breathed a deep breath. Slow and clear.

I thought, “I’m not worried about a thing”.

Ah ah ah, Jen, don’t question it. Don’t dig.

I felt safe, comfortable, loved, and satiated emotionally, mentally, and physically.

“Remember this feeling”, and off I went.

[30 minutes later]

“HAHAHA”

I woke up. Wait, did I just wake myself up laughing? Seriously?

Happiness? Is that you? I’ll take it.

 

From the outside looking in: It’s -11 degrees Celsius, I’m from Texas, and everyone speaks Russian.

On the inside: I’ve never felt warmer or more connected to the human spirit.

 I spent the weekend at “Bereshit”, a seminar in its’ second year for 18+ year olds in Estonia and Latvia. Lecturers came from universities in Israel, and we celebrated Shabbat together by diving into Jewish history and working together to connect with our past. Topics of Hanukkah, Kabalah, miracles, and the creation of the world directed our focus over the weekend. While I revel in time dedicated to group learning and education, I know the true blessing lied in the fact that we were able to be together as one people. The hidden string that bound us all together was not something to ignore. In a country that was literally ‘juden frei’ (free of Jews) in 1941, this was, yet again, another miracle of the Jewish people. Baruch Hashem.

It’s been 2 months and some change since I set foot in Estonia, and with every passing week comes more laughter, more conversation, and more understanding.

Okay maybe add a little more laughter to that list.

Seriously, I’m laughing all the time. To the point to where I can’t take a sip of my tea or coffee because I know someone will say something funny and I’ll end up giving everyone a caffeine shower. I have to turn around, face the corner, and take a sip. Don’t you feel bad for me?

All I can say after moments like these is, “Cheesus, I love you guys”. I shake my head into a perplexed smile.

How could I have lived 22 (almost 23) years without these people?

How could I have lived 22 (almost 23) years without persimmon?

More importantly, these people.

With this love comes a deep sense of shared compassion and responsibility for the entire Baltic community.

“It scares me”, I reveal to friends who are also leaders of the Estonian Jewish community.

“What do you mean it scares you?”

I clench my hands and move them to my heart; I feel my eyebrows scrunching closer into concerned, future mommy face.

My words are far from fluid.

“The size; the size of the community scares me. The entire Jewish Estonia functions solely from Tallinn. It functions by very specific people who do very specific jobs. There are 2,000 Jews and 50% of them are elderly”. With a little math and my fear and worry aside, all I can conclude is that every single generation, every single person counts.

And Judaism, yet alone religion, only began to be “okay” and “not evil” 20 years ago.

And 50 years before that there wasn’t a single Jew. Killed or deported.

And the street I live on used to be called “Hitler Maantee (highway)”; and the Rabbi of Tallinn was shot a few steps away.

To think I walk the same streets my people walked on and the Nazi’s shot from. It’s nauseating.

I’m angry and disgusted just writing these words, but it’s real and you can’t just detach from your past.

But then you walk into the building that exists solely for the Jewish community, and you feel a sense of hope. The fear vanishes.

And then you walk into a room where there’s a professor from Israel speaking English into a microphone (this is rare), a translator in another room translating the English into Russian directly into individual headsets, and I’m sitting there… as another member of the community. Benefiting more than words can say.

To accepting miracles and keeping the faith in a world full of empiricism, I say spasibah, todah rabah, and thank you.

Jenstonia – Ya penimayo Russki choot choot