The End-Stonia.

Where am I? Where have I been? Where am I going? These questions keep smacking me in the face when I look up, open my eyes, and shake my head in total disbelief that I am where I am…and where I’ve been is in the past.

I was in Estonia 3 weeks ago. I was crying my not-so-tiny heart out on my friend’s shoulders in Latvia on August 23^rd. I was in Dallas with my mom, my family, and friends not even 2 weeks ago. And here I am, September 15^th, a week and half into living in New York, one week of work under my belt, and gearing up to leave for Washington D.C. for my first work-related trip tomorrow.

Where am I?

At a Starbucks in the Upper West Side.

But really: In some sort of whirlwind. That’s’ for sure. The thing is… I know who I am and what I’m doing more than ever…those two align seamlessly. And yet, the people surrounding me make it all feel like home. So when I look up at the tiny Spanish bodegas on my street corner in Brooklyn, or hear Russian whiz past me as I stroll through Central Park…it just all feels right. Like it was meant to be. Or rather, I made it be.

And I’ve gathered that I am where I am – not because of where I’ve been, but what I’ve done with where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, what I’ve felt.

I refuse to speak of Estonia in the past-tense, I’m not quite ready to let Estonia go back there. I’m holding onto it, trying to keep the memories active and buzzing – the people within arms-length. Or Skype-reach. I can’t, yet, dig deep into the year and all that it has meant to me – I want to sum it up and say “it’s meant everything”, but it filled certain holes, specific places that needed filling. Places that have made me more me. I am more me.

I feel good.

My heart literally tightens at the thought of the beautiful, giving, and fantastically special people in the Baltics. Thinking of them can turn a 45-minute subway ride into 5-minutes. And yes, hearing Russian in public spaces could not give me more joy than a CLIF bar and a vanilla latte. That’s big joy.

Getting messages from my kids saying, “We miss you”, “We love you”, “Our meeting was not the same without you” – Yeah, that kills me. These kids who are across the ocean, touching Russia, a ferry-ride from Finland, these kids think of me? They have to know how much I think of them – holding back my love for them was never an issue.

And these thoughts, these images hit me differently. Most times I’m sad knowing they’re so far away…other times, I’m just so happy and grateful we keep in touch with one another. And that I was able to experience the magical year I wanted so badly – so badly. And I got it. I made it mine, and here I am.

At a Starbucks in the Upper West Side.

One week of work under my belt. Not just any ordinary week of work; meaningful work. Work that intertwines with what I believe in right now, and what I wish to see in the world – with people who care, with people who are on the exact same page as me. That makes me feel good.

I’m on some sort of cloud. Not sure if it’s cloud-nine; but it’s a cloud a little higher than the Brooklyn bridge – I can see Estonia, I can see Brooklyn, I can see Manhattan. Dallas, you’re there too. My co-worker shared a “Jewish saying”, that sometimes your head can be where you are, but your soul might be slowly trailing behind, taking its’ time to catch up with your body. I believe that. It’s happening. Currently. Like, right now.

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My soul is taking its’ time, and I’m not going to push it to go any faster.

Oh, but I have so many good stories of my first week in Brooklyn and Manhattan! I think, what I’ll do, is create another blog by the name of…

www.brookjenyc.wordpress.com

Where I start a fresh chapter/page/blog roll, accounting my stories of living in a place that is unlike any other place I’ve lived in – I’m talking way more culture shock than Kansas AND Estonia combined. This should be good. This should be interesting.

 Thank you SO much for following me on JENSTONIA the past year! Your readership, commentary, and presence has meant so much to me – and it will continue to as I navigate my next journey in Brooklyn and Manhattan.

Love to all,

Jenstonia – forever Jenstonia

My Junestonia.

“I live in Estonia” – I’m going to miss saying that.

As I approach the last 3 months of my service in the Baltics, I can’t keep myself from swatting away the surreal nostalgia bug. “We’re going to miss you, you know?”, my friend casually said to me last night as we traded sushi rolls and sipped on the house white wine, which tasted more like water – exactly how 3Eur house wine should taste.

As I catch the water trickling from the outside of my wine glass, I tell my girls how horrendous and non-graceful I will be when the time approaches for me to pack my belongings and ship stateside; literally covered in tears, slobber, the works. The thought of waking up the first morning in my own bed in Dallas, not in my cozy little apartment in the city center of Tallinn, is enough to get my tear ducts exercising and heart dropping well past my stomach.

When you think about it, it’s really not okay. I mean, it’s going to be okay (it always is), but this experience is so deep, so meaningful, that nonchalantly removing myself from it and carrying on in a place that leaves no semblance of the streets I walked or the people that turned into the best of friends… that’s a damn crime, guys! It’s my job to keep the door on this time cracked open; keep the memories alive and the strong network of friends and colleagues in touch. I know that life goes on, people are busy, but shutting the door completely is a total non-option. In fact, I’m thinking about signing up for Russian courses immediately upon return. Ya neva know, right?

But for real, living and breathing an experience that I’ve always yearned for is two dozen blessings and more. For the most part, I am consistently warmed and overjoyed by this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, its’ impermanence reminds me to chronically smell the roses. I haven’t taken enough time the past month to sit and reflect on my rose-smelling; thankfully the whole blog maintenance concept remains in the back of my head. You should know I say to myself daily, “oh! I’ve gotta write about his!”… but it just keeps happening. Good things worth sharing keep happening… and this girl is not complaining.

Here is a piece I started writing 3 weeks ago:

I’m eager to write to you beautiful people tonight!

Hmm, you may be pondering, why is this night different from all other nights? Splendorful inquiry.

 

In one week: one engagement. One birth. One wedding. One bris (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brit_milah).

 

Some of my exceptionally close friends from here and home have been blessed this week. Never in my young adulthood have I experienced a heart-pounding, joyous tear-bursting, up-in-arms wailing kind of reaction for these special moments in life. Oh so this is why they make bridesmaids movies? The passion to plan and take action is burning through my fingertips already. Because when they’re close to you, it’s love on an entirely new level.

And that’s all I wrote because I had to jet off to see the baby, talk to the engaged couple, and get ready for a wedding.

But looking back and reading what I wrote, it is love on an entirely new level when the people are close to you.

So, yes, all those things happened the first week of June. The next week I coordinated the first-ever Estonia and Finland teen exchange program; I mean, the countries are literally 8okm away from one another, the logistics minor (especially with teens who just want to touch each other), and now 23 years since the collapse of the Soviet Union… these kids have Jewish friends up north. Not only that, but they do things a little differently there, so instead of battling for ways to learn more and keep things fresh inside the bubble…they’ve got a literal exchange of knowledge to further enrich their own spaces. Their bubbles are expandable. Fancy that – and just a ferry ride away.

And now I’m en route back to Tallinn from Riga; I spent the weekend in London with my brother – first time I’ve seen the guy since JDC JSC Orientation in August! Right when I hopped off the plane I tubed to the BBYO UK & Ireland office to see what was going down there – I can tell you that would not have been the first thing on my “vacation” list a year ago. I never even had the connection or knew there was an office in London. So I sat in a planning session with some handsome men running the show, and off I went to bond with brother in Central London. Our flat ridiculously good looking and nestled between Notting Hill and Hyde Park. Did I tell you my absolute favorite movie (right before Billy Madison) is Notting Hill? I mean, guys, I fell in love. I just did. It happened. Like if I had no problem with a socialist government and the ludicrous prices of London, I’d live in Notting Hill. My hypothetical vision of living there was proven when I walked into a bar and heard, “uptown girl, She’s been living in her uptown world / I bet she’s never had a backstreet guy / I bet her momma never told her why”, Billy Joel. My man. In a bar. In Notting Hill. Oooooooo-kay.

Anywho, the weekend was great. The weather was quintiessential humid, rainy, London. But I still dug it. My brother and I did what we do and dabbled in some oyster-eating, wine-drinking, and career-trajectory-talking. Not gonna lie, London was a nice break to the West – I forgot, however, how material our little world was… and the material is soooooooooooooooooo good. Such great boutiques and creative brands out there. I’m so out of the loop. Actually, I think anyone not living in London, Paris, New York, or LA have to be out of the loop. Sorry if you’re in the loop and you don’t live in any of the above cities. If you live in the loop in St. Louis, you’re more literally in the loop than anyone. I’m done.

On Friday, I go to my homeland for one month: LITHUANIA. You know, that country once linked with Poland as a region home to the largest diaspora population between the 16^th and 19^th centuries? I’ll be there for one month of Baltic regional summer camp. Yours truly will be directing sports and cheer-building. I figured in my last few months here, I wanted to contribute to as much as possible… these kids are about to get sports training like never before. I’m talkin’ UNC runs, knock out, Swedish soccer, you name it. It’s happening.

I’m off for now and hope to find a few moments to update you while I’m in Lithuania! One last plug for the Baltics (or at least Poland and Lithuania): If your roots are from here and you’re able to board a plane, please visit. The further we get from an area, which before the war, provided such a lively, supportive infrastructure for Jews to learn and succeed in relative peace… the more it erases from our memory, the more we disconnect from our roots and how we are able to flourish today. I will strongly state that it is only ignorance which keeps us from returning to this part of the world; it is safe, beautiful, full of smart and dedicated people, and you’ve just gotta do it if you can.

Signing off! Happy summer, yawl!

Jenstonia – AKA Jenthuania for July.  

 

 

when two worlds collide.

It’s so hard not to smile when I walk into work.

Every day, I walk past the ONE Synagogue in Estonia, along the path that leads directly to the bright orange doors – the ones that guide me to the people who work tirelessly to keep the Estonian Jewish community vibrant.

Along the path I can see some of those people through their office windows; a wave hello from the outside keeps me smiling as I walk through the doors to the inside.

I step in, look to my left (where I can always find a cluster of people), and Russian greetings fall naturally from my lips.

• “Privyet, kak deela?” (Hello, how are you?)
• “Privyet, Jen, harisho, kak deela?” (Hello, Jen, good, how are you?)
• “Atleechna, spasiba” (Great, thank you!)

And today I entered the building the exact same way – except this time I had been gone for a week. I was happily, yet urgently led to The Maker of All Beautiful Scarves in the community. The Maker, who I shall name BumbleBee, is in her young senior years, and buzzes with such zest around the community. Let us not forget the Swarovski crystal on her French manicured nails.

She pulls out a long, luscious, Tiffany blue/green scarf from her bag.

She forces me to take off my coat and current scarf. She wraps the one she knitted around my neck.

I’m pushed to look at myself in the mirror as another colleague follows me and translates the following to me in Hebrew, “Is it okay? Do you like it?” – Yes to all of the above.

“She cuts, you wash, you wear.”

Okay, she cuts, I wash, I wear.

Hugs, spasiba’s, and smiles follow me up to my desk.

I sit here, in front of you, happy to be back in Estonia and deeply inspired from the past week.

So, Jen, tell us, where have you been?

With 90 Jewish teens from Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania in Pedase, Estonia – about 60km from Tallinn. This is also why I have a cold today.  Sniff.

4 days at “Kadima” – a teen seminar devoted to leadership training and team building infused with inspirational Jewish learning. Pedase is a camp-style hotel; wooden bunk beds, shared bathrooms, shared sauna’s, shared laps (people sitting on top of other people), and oh yeah, shared germs.

And SO in my element. Camp counselor Jen came out to play those 4 days; being fun, light, positive and bubbly with teens. Pushing them to put their phones away and take advantage of the learning experience, giving them they eye when being too loud or too goofy. But most importantly, the part that fills my soul with purpose and reminds me of my favorite memories: having meaningful one-on-one conversations with younger generations. Talks of relationships, family life, social life, best friends, enemies, teachers at school; what is G-d? What is Judaism and why should I explore it? What do you believe in? Do you believe in anything? Etc.

Don’t imagine the conversations going completely fluidly; they were broken, absolutely. Words translated by others, and frustration had by the teens when they couldn’t find the word in English. And in my head? Well, in my head, I saw my pieces of my world connect with other pieces; creating clearer images of my life’s puzzle. I realize that sounds absolutely obscure and “out there”; but I felt purposeful. Blessed.

I wrote on the bus, “I feel: Purposeful. Blessed. To be a member of the involved Jewish world. To care about our tribe and its’ future – I feel like a tiny piece of the puzzle who’s just finding connecting pieces ALL.OVER.THE.WORLD.”

And then I wrote a reminder as I walked away from the weekend, “and don’t forget: you, yourself, need be inspired to inspire others.”

A collision of two worlds:

A 5-hour bus ride south took me to Riga, Latvia. The largest city of the Baltic’s. My first trip to connect me to the larger Baltic picture.

Monday, November 12, 2012:

“Sitting at breakfast in the Albert Einstein Hotel in Riga, Latvia. Beatles playing in the background, the view of Riga’s cobble-stones streets and colorful architecture beyond the window. Just saw a dog carrying his/her own leash. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. E=mc^2”

A little taste of my Catcher in the Rye/stream-of-consciousness journal styling’s.

That evening I was surprised by the JDC Entwine Steering Committee. Without hesitation, I threw my arms around the JDC Staff I knew. Staff, by the way, who interviewed me for this very position. A very surreal, full-circle feeling – a collision of two worlds, if you will.

Rachel, who is a former JDC JSC Fellow and who now works for JDC-New York, was my first connection to this current chapter of my life. Rachel interviewed me via Skype in April; I remember it vividly. Sitting in my apartment in Lawrence, Kansas, rocking my business professional attire, just 2 months shy of graduating. The moment that literally led me to this overwhelmingly connected hug with her in Riga, Latvia. Where my current Baltic life exists, with my Baltic colleagues and friends, rocking my more trendy-euro-hipster attire, just shy of 2 months since landing in Estonia. All in one room together.

Hello surrealism.

And I spent the next day with the JDC Entwine Steering Committee on their tour of Jewish Riga. Incredibly educational and necessary for me to better understand past and current Jewish life – clarity was gained, and feelings were undoubtedly felt. We walked through Jewish ghetto’s, where Jews were forced to live during ww2; we saw cemeteries, memorials, Jewish museums, and artifacts that left us with emotions too hard to put into words.

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Anger, sadness, confusion, optimism, belief, and even greater motivation for the future.

“what the eyes can’t see, the heart can’t feel”

I was told this 3 months ago as I prepared for my new life in the Baltic’s. It resonated in my heart exponentially as I drifted from images too difficult to grasp.

But now I saw.

And I feel more than ever.

And I understand so much more.

 And I’m grateful I get 10 more months to put that better understanding, that motivation for the future, into my work here. I don’t just walk away and sit in Dallas, Texas with the memory of a destroyed Jewish community in my head – I get to help in their revival, their renewal.

“You’re one of us now”,said the President of the Jewish Community of Riga. I am. Without question. I am so a part of this community it baffles me at times. When people ask me how I am, how I’m doing, I point to the people and say, “Just look at them. Look how funny, how beautiful they are. That’s how I’m doing”

Thanksgiving is in a week so hurry up and send me recipes! If you’d like to send me a turkey, that’s totally okay too.

Lats of Love,

Jenstonia – Feelin’ so Baltic.