The End-Stonia.

Where am I? Where have I been? Where am I going? These questions keep smacking me in the face when I look up, open my eyes, and shake my head in total disbelief that I am where I am…and where I’ve been is in the past.

I was in Estonia 3 weeks ago. I was crying my not-so-tiny heart out on my friend’s shoulders in Latvia on August 23^rd. I was in Dallas with my mom, my family, and friends not even 2 weeks ago. And here I am, September 15^th, a week and half into living in New York, one week of work under my belt, and gearing up to leave for Washington D.C. for my first work-related trip tomorrow.

Where am I?

At a Starbucks in the Upper West Side.

But really: In some sort of whirlwind. That’s’ for sure. The thing is… I know who I am and what I’m doing more than ever…those two align seamlessly. And yet, the people surrounding me make it all feel like home. So when I look up at the tiny Spanish bodegas on my street corner in Brooklyn, or hear Russian whiz past me as I stroll through Central Park…it just all feels right. Like it was meant to be. Or rather, I made it be.

And I’ve gathered that I am where I am – not because of where I’ve been, but what I’ve done with where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, what I’ve felt.

I refuse to speak of Estonia in the past-tense, I’m not quite ready to let Estonia go back there. I’m holding onto it, trying to keep the memories active and buzzing – the people within arms-length. Or Skype-reach. I can’t, yet, dig deep into the year and all that it has meant to me – I want to sum it up and say “it’s meant everything”, but it filled certain holes, specific places that needed filling. Places that have made me more me. I am more me.

I feel good.

My heart literally tightens at the thought of the beautiful, giving, and fantastically special people in the Baltics. Thinking of them can turn a 45-minute subway ride into 5-minutes. And yes, hearing Russian in public spaces could not give me more joy than a CLIF bar and a vanilla latte. That’s big joy.

Getting messages from my kids saying, “We miss you”, “We love you”, “Our meeting was not the same without you” – Yeah, that kills me. These kids who are across the ocean, touching Russia, a ferry-ride from Finland, these kids think of me? They have to know how much I think of them – holding back my love for them was never an issue.

And these thoughts, these images hit me differently. Most times I’m sad knowing they’re so far away…other times, I’m just so happy and grateful we keep in touch with one another. And that I was able to experience the magical year I wanted so badly – so badly. And I got it. I made it mine, and here I am.

At a Starbucks in the Upper West Side.

One week of work under my belt. Not just any ordinary week of work; meaningful work. Work that intertwines with what I believe in right now, and what I wish to see in the world – with people who care, with people who are on the exact same page as me. That makes me feel good.

I’m on some sort of cloud. Not sure if it’s cloud-nine; but it’s a cloud a little higher than the Brooklyn bridge – I can see Estonia, I can see Brooklyn, I can see Manhattan. Dallas, you’re there too. My co-worker shared a “Jewish saying”, that sometimes your head can be where you are, but your soul might be slowly trailing behind, taking its’ time to catch up with your body. I believe that. It’s happening. Currently. Like, right now.

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My soul is taking its’ time, and I’m not going to push it to go any faster.

Oh, but I have so many good stories of my first week in Brooklyn and Manhattan! I think, what I’ll do, is create another blog by the name of…

www.brookjenyc.wordpress.com

Where I start a fresh chapter/page/blog roll, accounting my stories of living in a place that is unlike any other place I’ve lived in – I’m talking way more culture shock than Kansas AND Estonia combined. This should be good. This should be interesting.

 Thank you SO much for following me on JENSTONIA the past year! Your readership, commentary, and presence has meant so much to me – and it will continue to as I navigate my next journey in Brooklyn and Manhattan.

Love to all,

Jenstonia – forever Jenstonia

Everyday Estonia – walk with me

Errday I’m hustlin’. Nahh, rewind, that’s not my life.

Step 1: Never leave the house without gloves on your feet or wool socks on your hand. Oh wait, it’s the other way around.

Step 2: Go ahead and cross cookies, mandarins, tea, and chocolate off your shopping list; they’ll be at work… everyday. Noooo worries.

Step 3: Know that you will never understand the Estonian language; that’s a good thing considering everyone at work speaks Russian.

Step 4: Learn Russian ASAP.

Step 5: Prepare for small, daily revelations; you too will be amazed.

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days: 

You should know I go to bed warm and wake up boiling hot. Yes, that’s right, totally possible in a world where central heating doesn’t exist. However, my windows are double glassed, floors heated, and enough heat radiates from the radiators that I wake up saying, “iced coffee pleaaaaaaaaaase!”

About a month ago I would wake up, look at my watch, and yelp, “WHAT? How is it? How did I? It’s 9am!” Until Estonia, I never needed a morning alarm clock. It was really hard to differentiate morning from night, and grey skies seemed to be a constant variable regardless of the hour.

Now the white skies and the white-ish (now brownish) snow shoot right through my double glassed windows and into my eyeballs. Good morning, snow shine. “I liked you better when you were grey”, I mumble. Up I get, straight to the kitchen to boil water. I look at the sink and realize, yet again, my only four utensils are dirty. That’s when I run straight for my room to turn my “70’s Pop Wake-Up” playlist on; and we’re washing spoons and dancing to “Who’s that ladayyyy? Who’s that lady, sexy lady, beautiful lady…” by The Isley Brothers.

When the deranged and mundane domestic tasks are complete, I get my workout on. Running has been more of a challenge since the snow, but I make up for it by jump roping in the middle of my wooden-floored living room. So much fun for my neighbors to hear in the morning. You’re welcome, guys!

I shower where I pee (of course, you know this), and we’re on our way to The Community Center.

Russian lessons (or русский уроки) for an hour, headache, tea, mandarin, and then the day twists in all sorts of directions thereafter.

Few things are for sure almost every day:

• Supervisor sweetly reprimands me for going outside with wet hair. Tisk tisk.
• I still don’t pick up everything in Russian; therefore, I say the wrong thing during lunch and end up offending someone. Laughter fills the room. Another epic fail during lunch time. It’s still cute right now, but next month it ain’t gonna fly.
• I have a significant conversation that gives me clarity about the community
• I fall in love all over again with The Baltic’s
• I walk away from a conversation with my head buzzing with even more questions
• I engage in many fits of uncontrollable laughter – not by myself, of course.
• I pick up Russian words in a group conversation and ask if I understood them correctly. “Omg, you said the number 4, right?” Just kidding, it’s more than just numbers now 😉
• I have awesome interactions with teenagers about Judaism
• I feel more connected to Judaism
• I feel more responsible to Judaism, Estonia, the Baltic’s, the world.
• I learn a new cuss word from a teenager
• I repeat things in Russian that were promised appropriate, but are not.
• I leave around 6 or 7pm, walking home smiling as the wind freezes my eyeballs.
• I get home, sit on my couch, and think “Jeez, today was important”.

Not every day, but enough: community events, outings, dinners, seeing new things, meeting new people. To be vague.

Things I’m not used to:

• Putting your grocery bag(s) with your groceries…and paying for it/them.
• Being able to walk everywhere
• Walking on snow – how they hell do you do it effectively?
• Reindeer
• 10 ft. icicles

• Busses spraying you with various types of precipitation
• Gloves
• English (what’s that?!)

Celebrating Hanukkah outside in -10,000 degree weather with a latke buffet and fire show.

Everyday life here isn’t drastically different from life in the states, but it is a sheer pleasure to be in such a charmingly, underrated region of the world with beyond special people. Like I say every day, “I can’t complain.” So I won’t.

On that note, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday’s! Let the holiday spirit fill you with at least one song and dance breakout.

Who’s that laday?,

Jenstonia – today is the last day I will ever go out with my hair wet. Ever.

p where u shower – it’s juss different.

Has anyone ever told you, “don’t shower where you pee?”

If you said “yes”, then I want to meet the person who told you that because I’m pretty sure I made it up. (I just called you a liar in a very passive way)

But on the realz: if anyone has ever told you that, they couldn’t be more wrong.

I know from personal experience. I literally shower where I pee; like almost on top of my toilet.

the toilet is in there.

No seriously. I do. And there’s good news.

The good news is I’m constantly cleaning my toilet.

The other day I was squeezing and hitting the conditioner bottle against my palm and the conditioner slipped out into the toilet bowl. Plop. Consider yourself conditioned, T.Bowl.

The bad news is…well, there is no bad news. It’s juss different!

You would think my brain would have created the muscle memory to put down the toilet seat before I showered, but everything about my toilet/shower situation is far from natural. Men would love living here because I would most likely yell at them for putting the toilet seat down – for fear of losing cleaning opportunity. “How many times do I have to tell you, keep the toilet seat up…damnit”!

Like music to your ears, yeah? Speaking of, MUSIC BREAK:

This is my song of the month. You can hear me screaming it if you’re at least in continental Europe.

Do you want me to keep up the potty talk? Cause I can. Or you can just message me privately and we can keep this topic going. Totally cool with it.

Let’s move on.

I’ve been in a relationship with CNN this week (it’s official, yayyy). And if my calendar is correct, I think it’s going to last another week.

On a non-political, completely serious note: I would just like to wish all those struggling under Sandy’s aftermath a smooth and speedy recovery. My heart goes out to all of those affected by the storm, and I promise we won’t forget about you as America enters election week. Hoping you receive more media coverage than this fluffy campaign.

Withering Weather:

It was +7 today! Yes, exclamation point included. That converts to about 37 degrees Fahrenheit. What I’ve come to realize is that as the temperature drops, the more mind I lose; an indirect relationship, is it? I get excited, genuinely excited, when I see anything above -1 degrees Celsius.

Anything above 0 and you don’t have to wear gloves or an extra set of ears when jogging around town. And if you follow the sun and avoid tall buildings, you may even be able to lose your knee-high wool socks for above-ankle wool socks. The joy.

see: awkward, sunlight and no ear muffs

Ice: you actually can jog on. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Do people think you’re absolutely ludicrous? Sure, but if you stay on main roads, you might even find slush that looks like a coca cola slushy. Just watch out for pipes that excrete water…chances are the water is not a shiny puddle, but a layer of slippery ice. Weeeeeeeeee

Dimming Daylight:

We fell back an hour last week. It gets dark around 4:30pm. Next month it will be 3:30pm. With darkness comes yawning, wiping the sleep out of your eyes, and thoughts of warm dinner, couches, and CNN. I’m not someone who’s typically affected by minor environmental changes, but you actually cannot control the fact that your body thinks it’s almost bed time in the middle of the day. This will undeniably take some time and doubling up on cappuccino.

Chospitality (Hospitality):

As old as the oldest Jew, Abraham. I had a great conversation with the teens about what it means to be Jewishly hospitable, or hospitably Jewish. Hence why I say “chospitality”; or really “hachnasat orchim”. It’s a mitzvah, you know?

When a guest comes, you give them water to wash their feet and attend to their animals. You smile and seem “happy” throughout the meal, no matter what’s pressing you. The laws go on and on, and there’s no doubt that we can translate the ancient ones to modern times.

The last one got me thinking. “Smile and seem happy”; turning off your brain and being fully present. Can you?

In 2010, while beginning my trip to Israel, the tour guide provided us with this quote, “you are where your thoughts are.” Ironically, this stopped my thinking. She was right. How could I possibly drink this trip dry if my thoughts were at home with mom, on a bike ride with dad, or sitting in next semester’s classes?

I see turning your brain off as an art, a skill. It’s a muscle that has to be trained – and I fully believe it’s vital to a healthy human life. We are filled with so much stimulation and added stress every day, and the ability to shut it down will not only bring mental health, but physical and emotional health.

I solemnly swear, when you come into my house, my attention is on you. When you come into my Facebook messenger, my attention is on you. Skype, viber, phone call, it’s on you or else I’m not answering and I’ll tell you otherwise. Chospitality in 2012.

Day trippa, yeah:

I traveled 185.4 km to Tartu, Estonia on Thursday. A few of us from Tallinn went to join the Jewish Community of Tartu to formally “open” their calendar year. Remember how I told you it gets dark by 4:30? Unfortunately I wasn’t able to see the city by daylight, but the academic buildings, alcoholic drinking parks, and abundance of “kohvik baars” (coffee bars) were enough to fill my university culture void.

Tartu has a wild history. It’s Estonia’s second largest city and an intellectual hub to a “T”.Tartu University is one of the leading scientific schools in “semiotics”, the study of signs and sign processes. If you like metaphors and analogies, this is your dream field of study.

There used to be a synagogue. It was actually home to the majority of Estonia’s Jews until WW2. See synagogue below:

Tartu also gave me a dose of common Estonian eats: TONGUE. I took a photo of it, but I could not find the tongue to eat it – and I like trying crazy food! Though after having a mostly meat-free, paleo diet for the past month and a half, my mind couldn’t fathom the idea of putting tongue on my tongue…and digesting it. Gulp. 😛

More Tartu info here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tartu

Other cool (or freezing) things:

The Rabbi calls me Thursday morning. “Jen, boker tov (good morning), mah shlomech (how are you)? You’ve been in Estonia over a month now yes? You must come to Shabbat dinner tomorrow night. See you then, bye!”

So I went to my first Shabbat dinner at the Rabbi’s house. Talk about CHospitality! Jameson on the table, and 15 others around it. 10 of which were beautiful kids who looked almost identical (brothers and sisters of course). The 2 beside me were… AMERICAN. They moved to Finland 2 weeks ago and were in town visiting Tallinn for the weekend. It was a great night of shared culture; we talked about languages in 3 different languages, traveling, living internationally, and much more.

The best part: each time I heard Russian I found comfort. I actually asked the kids to speak in Russian instead of Hebrew, a language I’m much more familiar with. “Bevakashsa, medaber b’Russki” (Hebrew: Please, speak in Russian).

And today I went on a great jog through Old Town to the very top of the Old Town mountain. I made a pit stop to the oldest apteek (apothecary) in Estonia, est. 1400’s. See below:

I ended my jog catching the sunrise just next to the salmon pink Estonian Parliament building. Then, of course, indulging in the infamous CHEESE (JUUSTU) WRAP:

Now back to watching the same election highlights loop on CNN. ROCK CHALK!

Cheese please,

Jenstonia – shower where you pee. 

JSC orientation: expect the unexpected

and unexpectedly, I made 25 insanely out-of-this-world friends in 4 days. All coming from various geographies, backgrounds, and experiences, all going to different areas on the globe. From Buenos Aires, Rwanda, to India, somehow a shared spirit brought us to New York this week. I sure as hell did not expect to say “I love you” and “I miss you already” 4 days later. That said, I know I’m right where I need to be, and I knew the minute I walked into orientation on Monday.

Monday began with the following quote: “It is not your duty to complete the work…” I stopped reading and thought, “What? This is odd. I don’t have to complete the work? 20 years of psychotic number-fixation through GPA’s, standardized tests and AP classes, you’re telling me I don’t have to complete the work? Seriously?”

I read on, “Neither are you free to desist from it” (Pirkei Avot 2:16 Ethics of the Father). A calming sensation crawled over me.

“It is not your duty to complete the work. Neither are you free to desist from it”. I nodded my head forcefully as if I felt the rhythm of the words connect with my soul. As a big picture thinker who likes to see results and tangible outcomes, this released me. I became free of my definition of “work”, of “impact”.

I’m going away for a year to serve the Jewish communities of the Baltic’s (Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania), and the obvious overarching goal is to make an impact. This quote made “impact” ambiguously flexible; which for me, is a good thing. Instead of impact, I’m now focused on “process”. And enjoying it. Taking the pressure off seeing physical results, instead recognizing small successes and allowing those to direct me forward.

The first 30 minutes of orientation held a major epiphany useful for the next 365 days. Did I expect it? Absolutely not.

And every minute thereafter was full of small realizations and rhythmic soul connections that were unexpected. I walked away from orientation feeling full, whole, satiated in my head and my heart. I’m driven for a deeper purpose beyond myself. I’m driven for my friends, my family, my cohort, JDC, BBYO, the Dallas community, KU, North America, Tallinn, Estonia, the Baltic’s, the world. The responsibility and pride runs through all of these sub-communities; and I hold myself accountable to be the best me while enjoying the process and rolling with the unexpected.

I do, however, expect great things from my new 25 friends around the world! Links to their blogs to come soon.

Until next time,

Jenstonia